SKIRMISH ASSOCIATION

Stupid Crooks #1

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it off the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Stupid Crooks #2  

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all the muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and would call the police before he reached the tellers window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the  wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and  surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light bulb in the box, told him that she could not accept his stickup note, that it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to the Bank of America. Browbeaten and defeated, the man said "ok" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America bank.

Stupid Crooks #3

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers around. The first robber shouted,  "Nobody move!" When the second robber moved this startled the first robber, who then shot his partner dead.

Stupid Crooks #4

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted a cinder block over his head and heaved it at the window. When the cinder block hit the window it bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Stupid Crooks #5

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. So he told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the clerk refused  and said, "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave them the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. The police arrested the robber two hours later.

Stupid Crooks #6

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed zone. It not only measured his speed using radar it also photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40.00 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment he sent the police department a photograph of $40.00. Several days later he received another letter from the police department that contained a picture of handcuffs. He paid the $40.00

Stupid Crooks #7

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed  her purse and ran. The clerk call 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the thief. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the thief. They put him in the police car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Stupid Crooks #8

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. They drove of f leaving their bumper still attached to the ATM with their license plate attached to the bumper.

Stupid Crooks #9

Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a parked motor home , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to the motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's  sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the would be thief received more punishment than the courts could ever give him.

Stupid Crooks #10

Arkansas: Three women relaxing at a tanning salon got a nasty surprise when a Peeping Tom tumbled through the ceiling tiles and crashed to the floor .

Stupid Crooks #11

A bungling crook in Rome, Italy was arrested after he took   a shop dummy hostage. The gun wielding robber threaten to shoot the life like mannequin if the cops made any attempt to capture him. A police spokesman said, "He was either blind as a bat, dumb or both.

Stupid Crooks #12

A San Antonio woman was arrested after a mechanic found eighteen packages of marijuana neatly packed inside the engine compartment of the car she had brought in for an oil change. The woman late confided to police she had not realized the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.    

Stupid Crooks #13

Juan Doe of Pennsauken, New Jersey decided to rob the Hill-Rom Corp, again. However, he needed to keep the door from closing fully behind him, so he used a paper to keep the lock from closing. That paper happens to be a traffic ticket with his name and address on it. Needless to say, this idiot is behind bars.  

Stupid Crooks #14                    

Three college students at the annual Halloween Fantasy Festival in Key West Florida decided to smoke some marijuana. They were amazed at how fast the police found and arrested them. It turned out that these meatheads were smoking pot in front of an air vent leading into a police station. It did not take the cops to long to figure out where that stench came from.

Stupid Crooks #15

The FBI arrested a man on counterfeit charges. He had spent $20,000 on lithographic equipment and was caught printing Polish money as the FBI raided him. The FBI figured that with each Polish dollar having the worth of two cents, this counterfeiter could be printing mounds and mounds of the Polish paper and still not recoup his costs.

Stupid Crooks #16

In March, security guards at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn., along with local police and a helpful eyewitness, apprehended a man who grabbed a $1,400 gold chain from the neck of another man. Police arrested the suspect, then arrested the witness when a computer check revealed that he had several outstanding warrants, then arrested the victim when they found crack cocaine in his pocket. That's what you call a clean sweep or a three for one deal.

Stupid Crooks #17

After drinking heavily, a 33 year old man appointed his 12 year old son as designated driver. When police attempted to pull heir truck over, the father instructed his son not to stop. Police followed the vehicle for several blocks, with speeds not exceeding 15 mph. The "chase" ended in the driveway of the family's home. The officers found a bag of methamphetamine in the man's pants. He quickly tried to defend himself by telling the police: "These are not my pants. They are my girlfriend's pants." The officers didn't buy his explanation. The police report concluded  that these pants were in fact men's pants. The father was arrested for investigation of public intoxication, allowing an unlicensed juvenile to drive and possession of a controlled substance.

Stupid Crooks #18

An 18 year old John Doe, his uncle and another teenager were walking down the street when they saw police cars approaching from the opposite direction. In an attempt to get rid of the weapon he was carrying, John threw his gun on the ground. Unfortunately for him, upon impact to the ground the gun discharged and shot him in the head. His uncle hurriedly put him in their car, drove to the hospital but crashed through the emergency doors, injuring a hospital employee. He was arrested for vehicular negligent injury and driving while intoxicated.

Stupid Crooks #19

A Texas man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a forged check. He is now serving 10 years.

Stupid Crooks #20

A man wanted to rob a local branch of a bank, but thought he should be careful. After putting on his mask, he "cased the joint." Several people called the police. He could clearly be seen in security cameras. He was arrested a short time later with the mask and holdup note in his possession, even over his protests that "it wasn't me." 

Stupid Crooks #21

When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, Calif., robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

Stupid Crooks #22

After being released on bail for an armed robbery, a 35 year old Philadelphia man was anxious to get some cash for his drug habit. Living in an apartment just above a tavern, he decided to hold up the place for an easy payday. He entered the bar with a gun and demanded the cash. The bartender obliged and gave him the receipts from the register. The defendant then fled back upstairs to his residence. Ten minutes later   police arrived and arrested him at the kitchen table, counting the money. Unfortunately for him, the bartender was also  his landlord, who identified him at the scene.

Stupid Crooks #23

Our man entered a Food Lion grocery store at about 03:30 am and tossed several items into his cart. He went to the check-out, handed the cashier his personal Food Lion MVP card and had her ring up the order. Our discount seeking genius then pulled a knife, threatened the cashier, took about $500 and fled on foot. It was a simple matter, of course, for the store employees to contact the main Food Lion office and find out who the MVP card had been issued to. Deputies from the Knox County Sheriff's office found the suspect at the residence of a friend. He's currently awaiting trial with room and board being furnished by the Knox County Sheriff's Department.

Stupid Crooks #24

A Los Angeles super-genius gave himself away during a police line-up. When each man was asked to repeat the words,"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "Hey that's not what I said."

Stupid Crooks #25

A pair of crooks broke into a local lumber company . One of the crooks attempted to steal a table saw that was still packed in the shipping box and must have weighed over 60 pounds. He climbed up in the loft where it was stored, grabbed hold of it and then lifted it over a wooden rail down to his buddy.  The Problem? When he lifted the box over the rail the box and he plunged to the floor where he landed on his head. He died shortly thereafter. His partner was sent to prison for burglary.

Stupid Crooks #26

Arizona: A company called "Guns for Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day , they received a calll from a 47 year old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She go 4 and 1/2 years in prison.

Stupid Crooks #27

A would be shoplifter in London attempted to steal two lobsters. The ingenious felon stuffed the lobsters into his trousers and headed for the door of the supermarket. Near the exit, our larcenous Londoner doubled over in excruciating  pain and lay on the floor screaming. It seems that the lobsters claws were not tied down and one of the tasty crustacians decided to have the thief's family jewels for lunch. The paramedics were called in to remove the carnivourous  crustacian from the very sensitive portion of this thief's anatomy. After they stopped laughing , a pair of pliers sucessfully accomplished the removal much to the relief of our suffering suspect. No information was available on the extent of the member's (sic) injuries or his future fatherhood potentioal.

Stupid Crooks #28

Des Moines, Iowa - A robbery suspect apparently just couldn't stand the fact that his description was being bungled by a convenience store clerk. So he offered a little help recently as the clerk tried to tell police about the man who had just robbed his store. "He's about 5 feet 10," Harpal Singh told police over the phone. Then the suspect, who had returned to the store, spoke up to correct him. "I'm 6-2" the man said. "About 6-2 Singh corrected himself to police, and about 38 years old." "I'm 34," the robber said, correcting Singh again. Then the robber asked for his wallet back, which he had dropped when he tried earlier to steal a bag of cigarette cartons and had taken off running. A moment later, a Polk County deputy sheriff arrived and arrested Steven Hebron, 34, of Des Moines on charges of second-degree robbery.

Here are a few other Law Enforcement true and weird stories, that are hard to believe. But, after working as a cop for 24 years let me tell you I've seen things that even I didn't believe at first. One of these days I'm going to sit down and write a book about some of my adventures in Law Enforcement. I hope you enjoy these and I will try to update funny police  stories time to time.

Redondo Beach, California - After a short chase, officer Joseph Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded:  "It came with the car when I bought it."

Edmonton, Alberta - The driver of an armored truck appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. Six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, which had been swerving left and right. As it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed copious amounts of deadly gas.

Boynton, Florida - For their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder.

Sanger, Texas - Four teenagers, including the police chief's son, broke into a funeral home. They had planned to steal embalming fluid, dip cigarettes in it and smoke them. But when they couldn't find any fluid, they decided to cut off the finger of a corpse and took turns trying to smoke it.

Antioch, Calif. - A 22 year old man was arrested after allegedly ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint .

Mount Shasta, Calif. -  Joy Glassman, the 60 year old mother of a firefighter, was charged with five counts of arson. She allegedly set the fires to help her son's career.

Pikeville, Kentucky - After a fight with his girlfriend's 16 year old son over rent money, Jesse James Taylor drove himself to the emergency room of the Methodist Hospital with part of a butcher knife in his back and a meat cleaver stuck in his head. After successful surgery, he was released the very next day.

Appleton, Wisconsin - Darrell Voeks was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of farm pigs to pay for breast implants for his favorite stripper at a local club. He was sentenced to ten years in prison.

Ypsilanti, Michigan - The Ann Arbor News reported that a man failed to rob a Burger King because the clerk told him he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the man ordered onion rings, but the clerk informed him that they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated robber left.

St. Peters, Missouri - A gunman robbed a 7-11 store, but returned the money minutes later because his car wouldn't start. Amazingly, the store clerks came out to the parking lot and gave the robber's car a jump start. Police Officer David Kuppler commented: "We have a very friendly town out here."

Grande Ronde, Oregon - Sixty Seven year old Arthur Mooney died of a heart attack in the Spirit Mountain Casino. While his body lay right there on the floor for an hour, the other customers continued to play the slot machines.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers arrested a woman who had tried to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

Scarborough, England - On June 22, 1996, a totally wrecked Ford was found at the bottom of a 100 foot cliff. Police found no sign of the driver but discovered a pile of human feces on the driver's seat. ( I bet  they they found urine stains there also.I know if  I would have gone over the cliff I would have done numbers onesy and twosy in my pants.)

Ogden, Utah - A man wearing a clown costume, make-up, a purple wig, and bedroom slippers assaulted a mechanic living in a trailer. The news reported that the clown had knocked on the mechanic's door and had demanded to see "Kathy." When the mechanic had explained that he didn't know anyone named Kathey, the clown had accused him of having an affair with her, grabbed the lamp, hit him over the head and ran away.